In many South African families, a marriage is not settled at the altar. It is settled weeks or months earlier, in a living room full of uncles, when two families agree on lobola. The word, also written lobolo, describes the gift the groom’s family pays to the bride’s family, and the negotiation that sets it is one of the most important days in a couple’s journey.
For couples planning a wedding, understanding how lobola works takes some of the nerves out of it. Here is what to expect.
What lobola means
Lobola is practised by Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele, Sotho, Tswana and other communities across southern Africa. Families describe it as a sign of respect and gratitude to the woman’s parents, and as the start of a relationship between two clans rather than two individuals. It is not a purchase, and most families are quick to say so.
The law recognises it too. South Africa’s Recognition of Customary Marriages Act of 1998 refers to lobolo when it sets out how a customary marriage is formed.
Who sits at the lobola negotiations
The couple usually do not negotiate. The groom’s family sends a delegation of negotiators, often uncles or respected elders, sometimes called abakhongi in Zulu. The bride’s family appoints its own team. The groom may wait outside or not attend at all.
The visiting delegation typically sends a letter ahead to ask for a meeting. On the day, they may be kept waiting at the gate, and there can be a small “door opening” payment before anyone sits down. These rituals are part of the occasion, and good negotiators treat them with patience and humour.
Cows, cash and the final figure
Lobola was traditionally counted in cattle. Today most families still speak in cows but settle in cash, with an agreed rand value per cow. The bride’s family may ask for more if she is highly educated, and there is often room for movement. Agreement can take one meeting or several.
Alongside the main amount, families often agree on gifts for particular relatives, such as a blanket or coat for the mother and a suit or walking stick for the father.
Preparing as a couple
The best preparation is an honest conversation before the families meet. Agree what you can afford, and make sure your negotiators know your limits. Many couples now pay lobola in instalments, and families are often willing to agree to that.
- Choose negotiators who are calm, respected and know the customs of both families.
- Ask an elder from the bride’s side what is expected, so there are no surprises.
- Budget for the gifts and the food, not only the lobola amount.
- Keep the wedding budget separate. Lobola comes first, but it should not swallow the day itself.
After the agreement
Once lobola is agreed, families often celebrate with a meal, and in Zulu tradition the process continues with ceremonies such as umembeso, where the groom’s family brings gifts for the bride’s relatives. Only then do many couples move on to the white wedding. Handled well, the negotiation leaves both families feeling honoured, which is exactly what it is meant to do.
